Heaven Help Us
I can only imagine that somewhere, in another baseball dimension, things happen for a reason. I’m not going to complain, certainly, because somebody in that dimension obviously likes the New York Yankees. But I picture the baseball gods making decisions about what they want to happen, and then giving instructions each day to the baseball angels to go carry it out. This is how I imagined the conversation went today:
Baseball god: Whoa, whoa, whoa…. What happened here? The Royals were supposed to win this game yesterday! I’m seeing here that they lost 12-5?!
Baseball angel: I know. We did everything we could… There was nothing else we could do.
Baseball god: What do you mean nothing? This was supposed to be the big end-of-the-year spoiler moment for the Royals. You know, the one that keeps the fans hanging on year after year, even though the team is only there to serve us a useful purpose. And they didn’t just lose; 12-5 is a certified *ss kicking!!
Baseball angel: I know, I know. We really didn’t know what else to do. We tried everything.
Baseball god: I’m having a lot of trouble believing that. Did you force the Yankees to strand runners in scoring position all night? Did you give the Royal pitchers free strikeouts on balls out of the strike zone? Did you sprinkle the magic dust on their bats and gloves like we asked?
Baseball angel: We did all of that. We even really pushed the envelope by giving them one phantom run and taking what should have been an out away, all in the same play.
Baseball god: I told you to be careful with those. Remember, never too obvious….
Baseball angel: I know. But we had to pull out all the stops. We went all out. We handed the pitcher a 5-1 lead in the eighth inning.
Baseball god: so what in the name of Nellie Fox happened?
Baseball angel: They just ****** too much. The bullpen imploded and the more talented team unleashed the pain.
Baseball god: Fine. But today I want no mistakes. Do absolutely whatever you have to do to get that team a win. It is supposed to happen this way. A sweep now might expose the Royals’ fans to the truth. They need this win!
Baseball angel: Okay, but I don’t know what else we can do that won’t be too obvious.
Baseball god: Whatever it takes. Get creative. How about the starting pitcher is only going to have 2 walks….
Baseball angel: But he has the highest walks per nine innings in all of baseball! And this is the Yankees!
Baseball god: I said 2 walks!! Hmmm… but I understand your point about the Yankees getting on base. Nobody would believe them not getting on base. It would be too obvious. They can get on base, but you need to make them 0-12 with runners in scoring position. Maybe the fans will buy that it’s just unbelievable bad luck. No wait; better yet, make it 1-12 with RISP, but make the one hit an infield hit. And just to be on the safe side, make it with Giambi on second… And we can’t have the Royals out-hit the Yankees. It wouldn’t fly. We’ll have the hits even at nine. But the Yankees can’t have any runs. I don’t want to take any chances of getting another game like yesterday. And we’ll throw in some freaky stuff to try and sell it as just a weird night. You know, like Mike Sweeney reaching first base striking out on a wild pitch. And give the Yankees some errors. That’s believable. They do that from time to time. Don’t give any to the Royals. Sprinkle whatever magic dust you have left over from last night onto their gloves. We’ll need some circus catches from them to pull this off. And we don’t have enough magic dust for the whole bullpen. They can only use two pitchers. Even if the second guy has to throw 55 pitches. Am I making myself clear?
Baseball angel: Very. But you realize we’ll have absolutely nothing left over for Wednesday… And we’ve already used most of the magic dust this year on the Mets and the Tigers…. And remember, we still have that massive shortage after the 2004 ALCS.
Baseball god: We're all well aware of that. But I don't care about Wednesday. They only get one here…. Wednesday they’re on their own…
Baseball angel: On their own? Sweet merciful Musial…
That posting is about the only thing you can do or say after Tuesday's abysmal showing.
At the end of that game my last thought was "no mercy allowed on Wednesday"
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Ahhh now I understand what happened last night - it was the magic dust and hard work of the little baseball angels. That explains it, 'cause I was utterly blown away by the events that transpired. I think probably as well that last nights game was one of the worst called games by any team of "professional umpires". There going to show that game at Umpire School, I bet.
Did Moose looked uncomfortable last night, or was it me? Hope the groin thing doesn't pop up again.
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"...Hope the groin thing doesn't pop up again."
Funniest comment of the season. :)
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That was very funny. I am betting that sean wants to know how come the baseball gods never give moose any run support? Answer that one Baseball Gods!!!!
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Great post! That could be the only explanation for what happened yesterday. Today feels like a day we are going to drop the hammer on the Royals. I say no mercy, go Yanks!
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This feels like a repeat of about 100 other games....
here goes....
"WHY IS PROCTOR IN DURING A 8-0 GAME?"
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Torre wants to see how many innings it will take to completely tear off someones throwing arm...Another series win and we got the game back that we lost yesterday from the sox. Off-day tomorrow then payback for the Orioles. Go Yanks.
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