Not Exactly a Shocker

                It's a bit dated now, unfortunately, but it's still kind of funny.  A few years back, on the way to a Yankee game, actually, the Sherry brothers and I formulated a stand-up comedy routine.  It consisted of exactly two jokes, neither of which had absolutely anything to do with the other.  The second one, the kicker, was somewhere between "The Aristocrats" and punching someone in the face, so I won't take the BPS in that direction.  And at the time we thought that the first one was one of those jokes that doesn't make you fall over laughing, but does leave you nodding your head with a smile on your face saying, "Nice..."  We later realized there wasn't anything the slightest bit funny about it, but because the second joke comes in like a werewolf, your post-joke perception is skewed to think the first was sort of funny as well.  So as a routine, we still think it worked.  Anyway, the relevance has gone out of it somewhat as its subject has slipped from the front pages of the celebrity magazines, but you can still appreciate it.  It goes like this:  "Hey J-Lo......  You're Puerto Rican and you're from the Bronx....  I think we got it...." (Cue the laugh track, pause, and on to the second and final joke.....)

            On to the game.  Mike Mussina has always been something of a strange cat.  Part cerebral, part weird, part great baseball pitcher.  But this needs to be reigned in right now.  How many times does Manny have to beat him for him to smarten up?  It's just pure stubborn silliness, and it's costing us games.  Dude....you went to a three ball count and you weren't getting the outside strike.  Walk.  Him.

            Larry Vanover was no better calling balls and strikes tonight than Tim McClelland was last night.  They are the slow-call crew.  The Red Sox were punched out on a few really dicey calls last night, and for whatever reason, Larry Vanover just handed Papelbon a big fat Christmas present tonight in the ninth inning.  There was Private Pyle-pelbon, having already coughed up two runs, going to a 1-1 count on Matsui.  He then threw the next two pitches six inches and one foot off the plate respectively.  So that's a 3-1 count, with the possibility of a walk looming and the tying run coming to the plate in the form of former Red Sock Johnny Damon.  That's why people show up.  Except that Larry Vanover called two of the worst strikes I've ever seen.  The last one, the one that ended the game, was not even close in a remote way.  Tough way to end the series.  It would be one thing if it was still 7-0.  But dude, in a 7-5 game?  Come on...  Hey, I know the Red Sox are still squirming about some of the calls last night, but that was really out of school. 

            Something I've noted, apropos of not-a-whole-lot.  The Yankees bring out the worst in Jason Varitek.  I'm not talking about his performance as a player, as I'm sure his stats against the Yankees are probably on par with his career stats, or slightly below, as any player's might be against an elite team.  I'm talking about something entirely different.  Varitek is one of the media darlings of the Red Sox.  The Red Sox in general are a media darling because of their positively broken history, but despite the team personality or how good they are, the first point on the things-the-media-likes-about-the-Red Sox-list is the same every single day.  That they're not the Yankees.  That they are the arch enemy of the Yankees.  The media, particularly the Met-friendly New York baseball media, have always had a mostly hate-hate relationship with the Yankees.  And you can't blame them.  What's to like about them?  The winning, the spending, the parades, the hardware...  It's all a bit much to take, I'm sure.  If you're a Yankee fan, there's nothing like it, of course.  But if you're not, well....   And a guy like Varitek is the media's man-crush.  A tough-enough guy; a guy who seems to show up in big games, somebody the other guys look up to.  Broadcasters gush about the guy more than just about anybody this side of Grady Sizemore.  There's a lot to like about him as a player and as a guy to have on your team.  And best of all, he is on the front line in the battle against the hated Yankees.  But he has one major personality flaw.  And I know this because I don't really see the other Varitek.  I watch Yankee games.  I see the Varitek who plays against the Yankees.  And that guy is the very embodiment of an inferiority complex.  The guy I see focuses an incredible amount of energy constantly trying to prove to everyone in Boston and beyond that he's not afraid of the big bad Yankees.  And it manifests itself in a slew of petty jabs, whining, and tin-eared quotes.  Like a few years back when the media asked him if the Red Sox were hitting Allie Rodriguez on purpose.  "We don't throw at .260 hitters," he whimpered.  What a dumb thing to say about a three-time (and counting) MVP who will most likely go into the Hall of Fame with baseball's marquee record, the all-time home-run title.  And a guy, I might add, who has never said a cross word about him.  Especially when he himself is a .260 hitter.  Can you imagine if any jack*ss was on record sneering about Babe Ruth or Hank Aaron being a ".260 hitter," something both were at one point in their careers?  What a careless, silly thing to say publicly.  Or last weekend in Fenway, when the cameras caught him trying to kick dirt back at Posada when Posada was digging in at the plate.  The replay showed Posada digging in the batter's box without exaggerating any movement, not even noticing Varitek, but there was Varitek childishly acting like Little Lord Fauntleroy.  Jon Miller brought it up on the ESPN broadcast, thinking they were kidding around.  But when the replay showed that Varitek had a sinister look on his face, clearly not kidding, and that Posada didn't even notice what Varitek was doing let alone respond in any way, Jon Miller retreated to, "I'll just chalk that up to one catcher to another."  What he probably meant to say was, "I wonder why Varitek is acting like such an *sshole?"  Maybe the best example was when he ran up to fight Allie (keeping his catcher's mask on) and ended up playing Robin Ventura to Allie's Nolan Ryan.  And just in general he's a different dude when he's playing the Yankees; jawing with umpires, arguing balls and strikes, complaining when runners get called safe at home...  I have to assume he's not always like that if everyone gushes about him so.  So what gives?  Why all of the nonsense?  With every petty, puerile moment, he seems to be screaming back to Boston, "See guys, see?!!  I hate the Yankees!! I hate them!  Just like you guys!!  See??!!  Did you see what I did to Posada??  I kicked dirt at him!!  Did you see?? Cool right??!" 

Hey Varitek....you play for Boston and you want everybody to know that you hate the Yankees....  I think we got it.  Now stop acting like a child and starting acting like a captain, instead of just wearing a big goofy "C" on your jersey.  If you need a lesson go ask Jeter.  Or better yet, Posada...